علاقة الحب الفاشلة من أصعب التجارب التي يمكن أن يعيشها الانسان في حياته القصيرة والمليئة بالإنجازات والخيبات. كموت القريب هي، يصعب التعامل معها. هي لحظة يحس فيها الانسان أن روحه تسحب منه، لكن قسوتها تكمن في أنك تشعر بكل ما يحيط بك وتشعر بكل لحظة ألم ومع ذلك تعجز عن المقاومة أو الصعود من القعر. فكيف يمكن أن أتجاوز علاقة حب فاشلة؟
أولا عليك أن تدركي أن رَدَّات الفعل على فشل علاقة حب يمكن أن تتأرجح بين الخيبة والألم والقهر والبكاء والاكتئاب… ويمكن أن تجمع كل هذه الأشياء. في حين أن حدة رَدَّاتِ الفعل يمكن أن تتأرجح بين البسيط والمتوسط والعالي. إذ يمكن أن تصل إلى حد الاكتئاب المؤدي للانتحار أو للجنون في الحالات القصوى. فردة الفعل تختلف باختلاف الطبائع البشرية ولا علاقة لردة الفعل بطبيعة العلاقة أو مميزات الشخص الذي نفقده.
فطبيعة المرأة وشخصيتها هي المسؤولة الأولى عن ردة فعلها وعن كيفية تجاوزها لعلاقة حب فاشلة. لأن رَدَّاتِ الفعل على علاقة حب فاشلة غالبا ما تكون لا واعية وغالبا ما تُسْتَمَدُّ من طبيعتنا وشخصيتنا التي لا يمكن أن نغيرها فجأة لأنها نتاج سنوات من التربية والتراكمات. لذلك فردة فعل أية امرأة بعد فشل علاقة حب، لا يمكن أن تكون إلا جزء من شخصيتها الطبيعية.
في هذا المقال سنتحدث عن المراحل التي تمر بها المرأة بعد علاقة حب فاشلة وعن أنجع الطرق للخروج من الهوة المظلمة التي تجد فيها المرأة نفسها بعد خسارة من تحب. وتذكري أنك، في هذه المرحلة، ستخوضين حرب أعصاب بكل ما تحمله الكلمة من معنى. حرب ستخوضينها وأنت في منتهى الضعف والحزن واليأس. ولكي تخرجي بأقل أضرار ممكنة من هذه الحرب، ركزي جيدا فيما سأخبرك به.
1. تقبلي الألم:
أعلم أنني أخيب أملك عندما أبدأ بضرورة تقبل الألم، فعادة، المرأة عندما تخسر من تحب تحاول أن تبحث عن طريقة لاسترجاعه أو على الأقل البحث عن طريقة أتوماتيكية تمكنها من عدم عيش لحظات الألم. هي تبحث عن معجزة والحقيقة أن المعجزات غير موجودة في مثل هذه الحالات.
فكما وضحت في مقالتي السابقة: ماذا أفعل إذا بدأ حبيبي يتجاهلني؟ الألم هو شيء مرتبط بالعلاقات الإنسانية، والعلاقات العاطفية على وجه الخصوص، لذا عليك تقبله والتعايش معه. أنت وحدك لك الخيار بين أن تعيشي ألمك الآن بأقل الأضرار أو تؤجلي هذا الألم كل يوم إلى اليوم الآخر حتى تصلي إلى مرحلة لن تستطيعي معها تأجيل هذا الألم فتضطرين لعيشه مضاعفا ومعه الكثير من الأشياء التي لم تلاحظيها لكنك خسرتها في طريقك وأنت تحاولين تأجيل الإحساس بالألم.
لذا عندما تسألينني: كيف أتجاوز علاقة حب فاشلة؟ أؤكد لك أن تقبل الألم بعد نهاية علاقتك العاطفية هو أول وأهم خطوة على طريق التعافي. ابكي لأيام، انزوي في غرفتك أو في ركنك وابكي لساعات أو لأسابيع إذا لم تستطيعي المقاومة. تقبلي ذلك وعيشيه بصبر وتأكدي من أن هذه المرحلة ستمر بدون أدنى شك، مهما بدا لك الأمر مستحيلا الآن. تأكدي أنك بعد عدة أسابيع أو عدة شهور ستصبح قصتك وألمك من الماضي، وستخرجين من هذه التجربة امرأة ناضجة وقوية.
تقبل النهاية هذا لا يوقف الألم لكنه بداية التعافي فتذكري ذلك.
2. لا تعرضي نفسك لأية أضرار جسدية أو نفسية لا يمكن إصلاحها:
تحكي سمية بعد تعافيها من اكتئاب حاد أمضت معه سنتين بمصحة للأمراض العصبية: ” كنت أحبه أكثر من أي شيء في هذا العالم ولم أكن أتصور الحياة من دونه. علاقة ست سنوات مرت كلمح البصر وأنا أعيش سعادة المرأة المغرمة كل يوم لأنني أعلم أنني سوف ألتقيه في العمل. ظل مكان عملي أروع مكان في الكون لمدة ست سنوات. ثم فجأة جاء القرار الذي قضى على حياتي الهادئة والحالمة، قرار نقله إلى مدينة أخرى بعيدة. استقبل هو الخبر بكثير من الحماس لأن نقله ترقية كبيرة له واستقبلته أنا بالدموع والانهيار. لكنني بدأت أستوعب الأمر عندما أكد لي أنه بمجرد أن يستقر ويرتب أموره سيتقدم لخطبتي وإتمام مراسيم الزواج لأتمكن من الالتحاق به. ثم سافر.
عشت على وقع اتصالاته يوم بعد يوم، ويوما بعد يوم بدأت اتصالاته تقل وتتباعد إلى ان انقطعت. بعد ستة أشهر من رحيله علمت أنه تزوج بامرأة أخرى في مقر عمله الجديد. لم أفهم ولم أستوعب ولم أقبل. حاولت التواصل معه لينفي ما اعتبرته في تلك اللحظة إشاعة لكنه كان قد غير هاتفه. حاولت الاتصال به على هاتف العمل لكنهم كانوا دائما يخبرونني أنه غير موجود. انهرت واستسلمت. ثم بعد سنتين، أخبرني أهلي بأنني انفصلت تماما عن العالم الواقعي ورفضت الكلام لمدة سنتين كاملتين اضطرت خلالها عائلتي إلى إدخالي إلى مصحة للأمراض العصبية.
الآن بعد مضي عشرين سنة على هذا الحادث كلما تذكرت الأمر أتساءل بحرقة عما وقع بداخلي دفعني إلى الوصول إلى تلك الحالة؟ لم أكن متحكمة في نفسي وتقول اختي أنهم في كثير من المرات وجدوا آلات حادة تحت سريري قبل ان يضطروا إلى إيداعي بالمصحة.
الحكمة المستخلصة:
أتساءل دائما ولم أجد إجابة لسؤالي تستطرد سمية، كيف يصل الحب بالإنسان إلى درجة أن يحب شخصا أكثر من نفسه؟ غلطة مميتة أن تمنحي شخصا ما حبا أكبر مما تمنحينه لنفسك. غلطة كبيرة جدا أن تجعلي الحب الذي قد يدمر أي شيء في طريقه يخرج عن ذاتك ويذهب لشخص آخر. هذا الآخر قد يهجرك في أية لحظة فيأتي حبك له على الأخضر واليابس قبل حتى أن تدركي ما يجري وتحاولي التحكم في الأمور.”
إن قصة سمية رغم قسوتها تحمل لنا الكثير من الضوء المنبعث من وسط السواد. قصتها تحمل حكمتين: الأولى هي أن تحبي نفسك أكثر من أي شخص آخر ولا تمنحي حبا بلا حدود لأي شخص على وجه الأرض مهما كان هذا الشخص. والثانية هي أنك في لحظات الألم الكبرى والخيبات الكبرى، حاولي جاهدة عدم تعريض نفسك لأية أضرار جسدية أو نفسية قد تندمين عليها ندما شديدا في المستقبل. بل قد تمضين حياتك كلها تحاولين تجاوز الأضرار التي كبدتها جسدك وروحك دون أن تتمكني من ذلك. خذي مسافة من المشكل وتوجهي إلى أكثر شيء تحبينه وأغرقي نفسك فيه. تقربي إلى الله. تقربي إلى عائلتك وتذكري، هي لحظات قاسية لكنها ستنتهي فلا تخسري معها أي شيء منك.
3. قاومي الرغبة في الانعزال:
عند نهاية أية علاقة حب، تنتابنا الكثير من المشاعر المتضاربة والقوية يربطها خيط واحد هو الألم. لذا لن أقول لك حاولي تفادي الألم لأن تلك أسوء نصيحة يمكن أن أقدمها لك. بل بالعكس أنا أقول دائما أن عليك تقبل الألم والتعايش معه لمدة معينة للتمكن من تجاوز الأمر. لكن ما انصحك به بشدة هو تفادي الرغبة القوية في الانعزال عن كل شيء. العائلة والأصدقاء والعمل والجيران. باختصار الانعزال عن الحياة، بانتظار معجزة تخلصك من هذا الألم الذي يبدو لك أكبر بكثير من قدرتك على التحمل.

من المفروض أنك الوحيدة المسؤولة عن إخراج نفسك من الهوة السحيقة التي وقعت بها، لكن الانعزال لن يفيدك بأي شيء. بل سيضيف لعزلتك عزلة وسيصعب الأمر عليك. لذا لا داعي لإضافة حمل إضافي لحملك. وابدئي بالتحرك.
مهما بلغت قوة صدمتك لا تدعيها أبدا تؤثر على عملك أو على دراستك. لأن هاذين المجالين إذا تأثرا سلبا بالمرحلة التي تمرين بها قد تكون الأضرار الناتجة عن ذلك عصية على الإصلاح. في محيطك كما في محيطي نعرف الكثير من الأشخاص الذين فقدوا عملهم أو تخلوا عن دراستهم بسبب مرحلة ما بعد العلاقة العاطفية الفاشلة. والأمر من ذلك أنهم بعد أسابيع أو شهور يدركون، لكن متأخرا، أنهم خسروا شيئا أساسيا ومهما وصعب التعويض لصالح مشاعر أصبحت الآن بدون تأثير ولا أهمية. الغالبية العظمى منهم وقفوا ليتساءلوا أين ذهب عقلي؟ كيف كنت أفكر؟ لماذا وصل بي الضعف إلى هذه الدرجة؟ والكثيرون اكتشفوا، دائما بعد فوات الأوان، أن الأمر لم يكن يستحق حتى لحظات التفكير التي استهلكها منهم الأمر.
لذا أنا أنصحك بكل صدق، صحيح أن الألم شيء مفروغ منه وحتمي بعد نهاية علاقة الحب، لكن كوني ذكية حتى في ألمك. لا تدعي هذا الألم يوقف عقلك ويشله، حاولي أن تعيشي ألمك بأقل الأضرار الجسدية والنفسية.
4. تألقي واعتني بنفسك:
ستبدو لك هذه النصيحة خيالية وغير واقعية البتة بالنظر للحالة النفسية التي أنت فيها الآن، لكن ثقي بي هذه النصيحة هي أهم نصيحة يمكنني أن أقدمها لك في مثل هذه الحالة.
فأنت عندما تبدئين ولو من باب المكابرة، بالاعتناء بنفسك يعطيك ذلك شعورا آنيا بالتحسن تدركينه على الفور. وكلما تقدمت خطوة في التركيز على نفسك ابتعدت خطوة من النزول إلى القعر. حاولي دائما أن تطبقي هذه الطريقة في حياتك اليومية وفي كل شيء، ستجدين أنها طريقة فعالة جدا. لا أنكر أنها تحتاج إلى الكثير من الجهد وقوة الإرادة والمكابرة، لأنك ستجدين نفسك في قعر عميق ومظلم ومطالبة بالصعود للوقوف أمام المرآة والتزين والخروج لملاقاة الناس.
في حين أننا عندما نكون في القعر سيدتي تكون لدينا رغبة واحدة هو أن تمر الأيام ويتوقف الألم حتى نستطيع تسلق هذه الهوة والإطلالة برؤوسنا ببطء لإدراك ما يجري في الخارج. فكيف أجرؤ على طلب هذه الأشياء منك وأنت بالكاد تستطيعين التنفس؟ ومع ذلك، أنا أؤكد لك أن هذه الطريقة هي أنجع طريقة وأسرع طريقة تخرجك من مستنقع الألم الذي تسبحين فيه. وحتى لو لم تكوني مقتنعة، تحدي نفسك وطبقيها وستشكرينني فيما بعد.
1.4. كوني جميلة:
كوني جميلة، مهما كلفك ذلك من مجهود نفسي، قاومي وانتصبي. ابدئي في الاعتناء ببشرتك وشعرك ووجهك ورشاقتك وأناقتك… ليس هناك فوق الأرض، على الأقل بالنسبة لي، أكثر من إحساس الثقة بالنفس الذي يتولد عن الخطوات المتواصلة لتطوير الذات، لمنحك القوة اللازمة للمقاومة والمضي من جديد.
ستقولين: أنا أعجز حتى عن الوقوف أو الكلام أو الأكل فكيف أقوم بكل هاته الأشياء مجتمعة؟ وسأجيبك إن الخيار دائما لك. فإما أن تختاري الطريق الأصعب، ولكن في نفس الوقت الأسرع للخروج قوية معافاة. وإما أن تسلكي خيار الاستسلام المصاحب لألم الفراق فتعيشين الحزن مضاعفا والحسرة مضاعفة والقهر مضاعفا. ثم في الأخير ستصلين إلى نفس النتيجة لكن بأضرار نفسية وجسدية ربما لا يمكن إصلاحها بالإضافة إلى وقت ثمين لن تدركي قيمته إلا فيما بعد.
لذلك أنا أقول لك قاومي وتقدمي وكوني مختلفة وجميلة، فحبلك الوحيد للخلاص بيدك أنت وحدك.
5. لا تدخلي في علاقة جديدة:
رجل جديد ولا أقول حب جديد ليس أبدا هو الحل. فعلاقات “تضميد الجراح” في الغالب تكون لها عواقب وخيمة وعكسية. إذا كنت قد عشت حبا حقيقيا، فأنت في الغالب لا تزالين عاشقة لحبيبك السابق. وأية محاولة منك لتعويضه بآخر والتقدم في الاتجاه المعاكس لقلبك، سيكون خطأ كبيرا وغير محسوب من طرفك. لأنك في هذه الحالة ستضيفين للمعادلة شخصا ثالثا لا علاقة له بتاتا بما وقع بينك وبين حبيبك. شخص ليس مسؤولا عن فراقك وألمك ومعاناتك وهو بالتأكيد لن يكون المعجزة التي ستنقذك من كل ذلك.
ثم أنه في خضم هذه الهفوة الكبيرة، لا تسقطي من اعتبارك أن هذا الشخص قد يتعلق بك ويحبك في حين أن مشاعرك لا زالت ملكا لشخص آخر. فتكوني بذلك قد ظلمت شخصا آخر وصححت الخطأ بخطأ أكبر منه. وقد يفقدك ألم الفراق القدرة على التمييز والتفكير السليم فتسقطي بين يدي رجل بدون أخلاق.
1.5. شهادة حقيقية:
تقول عزيزة: ” قرر فجأة تركي دون ذكر أي سبب. كنت حينها أحبه حبا كبيرا وكان بالنسبة لي الهواء الذي أتنفسه. فجأة انهار عالمي من حولي ودخلت في ممر مظلم لا نهاية له ولعدة أسابيع رفضت الخروج من هذا النفق المليء بالدموع والألم الذي يعتصر الأحشاء. لكن في لحظة معينة قررت أن أقوم بفعل ما، أن تكون لدي ردة فعل وإلا فإنني سأصاب بالجنون. وجاء قراري الذي ندمت عليه فيما بعد ندما شديدا. قررت أن أنتقم منه بالدخول في علاقة جديدة دون حساب العواقب أو أخذ الوقت الكافي لمعرفة الرجل الجديد الذي سأسمح له بدخول حياتي.
علاقة جديدة:
وجدت نفسي أرتمي في أحضان رجل وسيم يعمل كأستاذ جامعي، كان متحدثا جيدا وجذابا. خضت هاته التجربة بكل ثقة وكأنني وجدت من جديد الجوهرة النادرة. خضتها وكأنني لا أستفيد أبدا مما ما مضى. كان كل همي منصبا على إيحاءاتي على مواقع التواصل الاجتماعي بأنني سعيدة وأن هناك حبا جديدا في حياتي. كان تفكيرا بسيطا إلى درجة الغباء ولم أدرك أن تصرفاتي هذه ستزيد الطين بلة وتبعد عني حبيبي أكثر. أدركت فيما بعد أن إثارة غيرة شخص ما مهمة دقيقة تستلزم الكثير من الذكاء والحيطة حتى تظهر الأمور طبيعية وتؤتي أكلها.
مع مرور الوقت بدأت ألاحظ أشياء غريبة في الرجل الجديد، ولن أقول حبيبي الجديد، لأنني كنت مدركة تماما أن علاقتي معه كانت بدافع الانتقام وإثارة الغيرة وليست أبدا بدافع الحب. بدأت ألاحظ أنني كلما كلمته يجيب على الهاتف حتى داخل أوقات العمل. كذلك كنا كلما جلسنا في مطعم أو مقهى كنت أنا من يحاسب لأنه في كل مرة ينسى محفظته. حتى جاء اليوم الذي طلب مني مبلغا كبيرا من المال لأنه يريد أن يحل مشكلة كبيرة تحول دونه ودون التقدم لخطبتي. ورغم أنني لم أكن أحبه قررت إعطاءه المال وإتمام الخطوبة لسبب تافه جدا وهو ان أتمكن من نشر صور خطوبتي على مواقع التواصل الاجتماعي لإغاظة حبيبي السابق.
كل شيء كنت أفكر فيه وكل خطوة كنت أخطوها كانت بدافع إقناع شخص ثالث بانه ارتكب خطأ عندما تركني. في اليوم الموالي لطلبه بدأت أهاتفه لتسليمه المال الذي طلبه. قضيت الصباح كله وأنا أحاول الاتصال به، لكن على غير عادته لم يكن يجيب مع أنه كان يوم عطلة. في تلك اللحظة وكأن الحق سبحانه وتعالى أراد إنقاذي من مكيدته، ولأن المال الحلال لا يضيع، تملكني غضب شديد من تجاهله لاتصالاتي وقررت عدم إعطائه المال. في المساء عندما هاتفني حاول أن يبرر لي اختفاءه لكنني لم استمع لأية كلمة من كلامه وضللت على موقفي خصوصا أنه لم يكن يعلم أنني هاتفته لتسليمه المال.
الصدمة:
عندها بدأت تصرفاته تتغير شيئا فشيئا. تحدثت مع صديقة مقربة مني عن تصرفاته وهي من قامت بتنبيهي إلى ضرورة التأكد من المعلومات التي أخبرني بها عن نفسه. وكأنني كنت في عالم آخر، أدركت أنني لم أفكر يوما في الأمر. اتصلت في الحال بصديقة لي كانت تعمل في إدارة نفس الكلية التي يعمل بها وأخبرتها بالاسم الكامل لتفاجئني بأن المعني بالأمر ليس ضمن طاقم التدريس بالكلية. الصدمة كانت قاسية علي، خصوصا انني لم أكن أتخيل أن يكذب الرجل حتى في عمله. تركته فورا وبدون تقديم أية إيضاحات، والذي فاجئني أنه بدوره لم يطلب مني أية إيضاحات وكأنه كان ينتظر ردة فعلي.
علمت بعدها بعدة شهور أنه كان عاطلا عن العمل ولم يملك يوما عملا، وأن حرفته الأساسية هي تصيد النساء الثريات والإيقاع بهن للاستيلاء على أموالهن بطريقة أو بأخرى.
حجم صدمتي في حبيبي السابق أفقدتني توازني وجعلتني أرتكب الكثير من الحماقات. لكنني الآن أدرك أن أفدح خطأ يمكن أن ترتكبه امرأة هي الدخول في علاقة جديدة بدافع الانتقام أو إثارة غيرة حبيبها السابق وهي لا تزال تحبه. لأن الانتقام يعمي البصيرة النيرة ويبطل العقل السليم ويجعلنا نقع في أخطاء قاتلة. لذا أنصحك إذا لم تكوني قد اطلعت على مقالي: هل أستطيع استرجاع حبيبي بعد أن أصبحت لديه حبيبة؟ أن تفعلي.
6. تأكدي أن حبيبك ليس جوهرة نادرة:
إن أصل كل ضعفك وانهيارك، إحساسك الخاطئ تماما والذي يوحي لك بأن حبيبك جوهرة نادرة وأنك أبدا لم ولن تجدي أفضل منه. إنك في هذه اللحظة تنظرين إليه بعين المحب وعين المحب عادة لا ترى أخطاء ولا عيوبا. لذا فأنت تجدينه رائعا ونادرا ومميزا. لكن ثقي بي، صديقتك الحميمة أو أختك أو حتى صديقك سيؤكدون لك جميعا أن حبيبك ليست لديه أية ميزة أكثر من غيره. وستجدين كلامهم غريبا وغير منطقي والحقيقة أن الشيء الوحيد الغير منطقي في كل القصة هو اعتبارك لحبيبك جوهرة نادرة في حين أنه شخص عادي جدا، جعله حبك له يبدو استثنائيا.
ومرة أخرى سنحاول أن نغير وجهة نظرنا للأمور مهما بدا ذلك صعبا. تأكدي وثقي أن الرجل الذي كنت معه ليس جوهرة نادرة. هذا الرجل فقد جوهرة. هو الذي فقدك. أنت هي الجوهرة وعلى هذا الأساس يجب أن تتصرفي.

7. أوقفي كل تواصل:
في مقال سابق لي: كيف أستعيد حبيبي الذي تركني؟ أكدت على شيء مهم جدا يجب أن تجبري نفسك عليه وبشدة سواء كان فراقكما مرحليا أو نهائيا: أوقفي التواصل فورا. ابتعدي عن مصدر الألم والجرح، ابتعدي عن جميع الذكريات. اهجري كل منصات التواصل دون أن تقومي بعمل بلوك له. القويات يدمرن كل الذكريات ويبتعدن والضعيفات يتشبثن بكل خيط مهما كان رفيعا ويتألمن.
لو تشبث بمراسلتك أو الحديث معك تخلصي منه. كوني ذكية كفاية للتخلص من أي تواصل معه والانسحاب الكلي من محيطه ومن حياته. صدقيني قد تبدو لك هذه النصيحة مستحيلة التطبيق لكن ثقي بي يوما ما ستعلمين أنها أروع وأحسن نصيحة يمكنك أن تطبيقيها يوما.
خلاصة القول:
الوقت عامل حاسم ومهم جدا للتعافي. قاومي المدة التي سيستغرقها الأمر وعيشي ألمك بصبر وكبرياء. خذي وقتك، ولكن كوني أنانية أيضا. أحبي نفسك واهتمي بها واتركي العالم خلف ظهرك وتأكدي أن حبك لنفسك سينقذك لا محالة من السقوط إلى القعر. إن أنانيتك التي قد تبدو في مواقف أخرى صفة مدمومة، هي كل ما تحتاجين إليه في هذه اللحظة للنجاة. لقد أحببت هذا الرجل أكثر من نفسك وهذا بالضبط هو مصدر ألمك فإن حولت هذا الحب والطاقة المصاحبة له نحوك سيتضاءل أي حب أمام حبك لنفسك وذاتك.
وبالطبع مع حب الذات يأتي الاعتناء بالمظهر وبالتنمية الداخلية والذاتية وبالرياضة… اصدقيني القول رجاء، هل هناك شيء أروع من أن تحبي نفسك؟
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